Hi guys! I want to start off by saying a big thanks to Fat Fox for her post last week, as well as the great discussion that ensued, brilliant as always!
I’ve just recently been getting over a middle-ear infection-type thing, so I have been kind of quiet due to feeling whooshy, sluggish, generally miserable and not myself. Thankfully I am finally on the mend and have a new rant to share with you today! Apologies in advance for the amount of ‘fuck’s that pop up.
My ramblings usually stem from personal experience and today is no different. I was shopping at the grocery store which, as we all know, is a perfectly normal, every day thing to do because as people we kinda need food to survive. It can be quite a harrowing experience if you’re fat, however, because you encounter all manner of individuals that believe what you put in your cart is their business.
News flash: it isn’t.
This is not a lecture about what you should or should not be buying, and I am not here to judge your personal food choices. I am not a nutritionist and even if I was, I am not the damn food police. No, this is me delivering a good old fashioned ‘Fuck You!’ to the people in grocery stores (and you know who you are) that think it’s their personal responsibility to direct fat people towards better food choices.
Today I was a glowing beacon for all the concern trolls, because I was Halloween shopping. Ohhhh I know… candy! The horror! I personally have a strict budget of $200 every two weeks with which to buy all my household’s meals. Now, I had already purchased all the meat and vegetables, rice, blah blah etc. that I would need for that time frame, so today’s shopping was mainly Halloween candy, party foods, and ingredients to make cupcakes for friends and family. (I bake for the people I love so be careful, you may catch fat as I hear it’s contagious.)
So yes, today there was a death-fat fatty merrily wandering around the store with a cart full of junk food. So what?
I’m not there to threaten your very way of life, I’m buying groceries. I don’t have to explain to every would-be do-gooder my situation or the reasons behind any food choice I make. I’m not judging your shopping, I’m minding my own business, grabbing what I need, and getting the hell out.
So, if you come up to me in the store and suggest that perhaps I really don’t need that chocolate bar you just witnessed me toss in my cart, then you better be prepared for me to tell you to fuck off and puh-lease don’t act surprised if I don’t thank you for your advice. I didn’t ask for your opinion! You are intruding in my personal space and my right to be left the fuck alone.
If (and yes y’all, this happened) you tap me on the shoulder and say something to the tune of “I’m sorry to intrude, but I’ve been following you through the last three aisles and noticed that you didn’t once opt for the low-fat option to anything you purchased. Perhaps it would be better for you, I mean, those carbs aren’t our friends.. Right?” Then I am going to yell at you to mind your own fucking business! How dare you, and who follows people around the supermarket to watch them shop anyway?! Weirdo! Also, I do NOT appreciate the patronising attitude that suggests I don’t have the brain capacity to make whatever you believe to be ‘right’ decisions. You and your thinly veiled contempt can take a flying leap off a balcony somewhere.
If you look at the contents of my shopping cart and tsk-tsk me with a disapproving glare, then be sure to also take a good long look at my middle finger waving at you before you walk away. Ok?
So strong was the wave of fat shaming I encountered today that I cracked. But instead of crying, I paraded around the store, dancing around rubbing my belly while crying out “FAAAAAAT!” and generally embarrassing all within eyesight. Funny, I was then avoided like the plague, and continued my shopping uninterrupted.
Jokes aside folks, here’s the thing. People like different foods and live by different diets, even fat people. People have different allergies and intolerances to certain foods and chemicals, even fat people. People have different budgets and family situations, even fat people. And yes, even fat people can buy their OWN groceries. We are perfectly capable of deciding what we want to put in our bodies. We don’t need you to butt in, point out our ‘flaws’, and make us more afraid of being fat-shamed, bullied, judged, and stigmatised in public places, any further than we already are.
So I am now encouraging readers to join in. Yay for interactive blogging! We’ll start up a Big Fat Believe It Or Not! If you have a story about being stigmatised while shopping (or other hum-drum daily activities), or have a story regarding a situation in which you were being subversive and calling attention to your fat, please feel free to share it here in the comments! We’d love to hear from you.
Help us to remind others that they are not the Sheriff of the supermarket, and are not required to swoop in, save the day, and fix us.
After all.. we’re fat, not broken!
I’m going to go out on a limb here and guess that you’re probably white and the person who spoke to you was white. As a black woman, I have noticed that white people have very few qualms about giving unsolicited advice and opinions about things that are none of their business, even to perfect strangers. Mostly they do this to other white people because they’re usually afraid of us, but every now and again, my white co-workers feel close enough to give me “friendly advice” that is anything but and is usually rude as hell.
I have to say, I am operating on the ‘wish’ system.
I wish a mofo would come up to me in the store and say some shizz like this. They would get their feelings hurt so badly, they not only would wish they had kept their mouth shut but they would think twice before opening their mouth to anyone else with their rude bs.
Hello There. I found your blog using msn. This is an extremely well written article.
I’ll make sure to bookmark it and come back to read more of your useful info. Thanks for the post. I’ll certainly comeback.
I was once leading a march down the street for reclaim the night and a man leaned out of his car and said that I would be able to walk faster if I wasn’t so fat. I get ridiculed and harassed all the time by males. I have the feeling that because i am not pleasing for them to look at then I should not exist as a woman. They don’t seem to insult other men in this way so it must be because I am not what they want to fuck so therefore I am of no use to them and should not block their view of the women they want to fuck! That’s how I take their abuse anyway. I know not all men are like this but the ones that are…are and I think they are nothing but pigs!
I have been very overweight (and sometimes obese) since I hit puberty. Kids were cruel, but as an adult, I’ve never had anyone say anything negative to my face. I expect it sometimes, and I do get nervous about being judged when I make less healthy choices, but the verbal interference never comes. What shocked the hell out of me was when one of my best friends was battling anorexia. We would work out together, or go to a restaurant and people would come up to her and ask her if she knew she was anorexic. I was in shock. She did indeed know she was anorexic and was in therapy for it. The point is, what os walking up to someone and asking such a question supposed to do? Give her the impulse to eat more? Honestly, they were making things worse. It just never ceases to amaze me that people can’t mind their own fucking business.
Haven’t copped too much whilst shopping (aside from dirty looks) but I do tend to go through self service where possile to avoid cashiers…
Gyms can be horrendous. (Yes I am a person who enjoys the gym!)
I went to one gym temporarily (I had a free pass for one use and it was right next to where I worked and I couldn’t get to my normal suburbanite gym who where a lot more accepting and I couldn’t get to a regular class as I had something on) So I walked in as soon as the “Door Bitch” ahem receptionist saw me she looked so disgusted. Like I’d walked up to her and said “I light my own farts”. And proceeded to treat me as such (wouldn’t touch me in handing me anything, was really rude when I asked basic questions – like where are the change rooms etc). Then after I’d turned to go to the change room she bitched well within ear shot about gross fat people were.
Due to my lovely gym closing I have had to move about 3 or 4 years ago
so I had to go to a new gym. It’s a litlle plasticy but mostly it’s ok and a lot of people from my old gym go there so I generally feel ok.
But at the end of last year I had two bad experiences.
First off I was doing my second class on a Saturday morning (Body Combat – boxing and Muay Thai and martial artsy type stuff to music – first then Body Attack – “aerobics” kind of stuff to music). About half through a guy came up and introduced himself in the middle of a song (bad etiquette) who said “I LOVE it when you kind of people come to class. You know if you move your arms more you’ll lose more weight!” and then proceeded to yell “encouragement” at me for like 5 minutes (“Move those arms, c’mon!” etc).
1)Thanks for ostracising me!
2) Why are you not doing this to a thin girl so why do you think it is ok to be like that to a fat person?
3) Ostracising, bullying and stigmatising people DOES NOT work.
4) I’ve recently trained in an allied health area and the number one thing you do is a health history check. I have a rotator cuff (shoulder) that isn’t 100%. Body Combat is an arms kind of work out. It tends to be tired so I don’t do as much arms in Attack. But did you check? No! Just assumed that “Fatties are all lazy” thing that people seem to think…
5) You just allowed 40 other people to be mean to fat people. I’m a permanant here, you’re not, I have to put up with people’s bad attitude…
I ignored him (although I was tempted to start screaming “C’mon small dick move those arms!” at the top of my lungs but that made me bad as him so I was going to pull him over at the end and tell him off but he left early. D’oh!
Second, not long after this I fractured my leg and had 2.5 months off (Ugh). I started off sitting on the bikes just to try and start off again without shocking it too much. Had a patron come up and adjust the bike (to make it harder) and he said he was so glad I was going to the gym (like it was so good I was allowed to leave the house and should be so grateful just to do so). I readjusted the bike to what I had it at and then told him that I was rehabbing after an injury and wasn’t doing my usual two hour work out, so thanks very much for being an a$$ but I can look after myself…
This has actually never happened to me, but I’m so afraid that I’m being silently, invisibly watched and judged at the supermarket that it’s affected the way I shop.
I buy my groceries online, and even then try not to buy anything that seems junk food-y, because the delivery man is going to see me and probably see my groceries, and what if a huge chocolate bar falls out of a bag?
If I get takeaway delivered, I pretend there’s more people in the house than there actually is, by putting the TV on and absurdly calling back over my shoulder to absolutely no one when I’m at the door. If I grab fastfood out, I order different things and drinks and say things like “oh and he wanted” and “we’ll have” to make the server think that I’m feeding multiple people, and then stash whatever I get in a different non-branded bag, take it home because I can’t eat in public, and fret that everyone on the bus will be able to smell it on the way home.
My local supermarket has self-service checkouts, which are now the only kind I use to avoid being judged by cashiers, and I go so far as to line my basket with colourful healthy green things and cover anything unhealthy with more socially acceptable choices, to shield my purchases from other shoppers.
When I used to work in a few different supermarkets growing up, I never bought anything but vegetables from the stores I worked at. I would go far out of my way (and I don’t drive) to do my shopping in another store, even though I got a staff discount, just so my co-workers wouldn’t see me shamefully buying food.
I know this is ridiculous. I’ve never even had anyone comment on my shopping. I’ve worked in supermarkets and restaurants and I always had better things to think about than judging the shopping habits of other people, but I’m still terrified of this.
I’m envious of your courage in (rightly) being angry at the self-righteous nosiness of your would-be-nutritionist, as well as how inappropriate and impolite their behaviour was. I hope that I can emulate you one day, and feel confident enough to defend my right as a fat human to eat food and be alive instead of feeling ashamed about it.
Hi Anastasia,
These behaviours may seem silly, but I’m smiling because I have done each and every one of them at some point or other, and I admit to occasionally still pretending I have friends over when the pizza guy rocks up! But, we all have bad days where we don’t feel so fab and fatterrific. Admitting (and believing) that you deserve to eat whatever you like is hard. Getting out of the guilty or apologetic mindset is hard. So much emphasis is placed on this stupid idea that fat is some kind of moral failure, when it really isn’t. Food is labelled as healthy or unhealthy, and “unhealthy” is bad, evil, and the reason you’re fat! (sarcasm)
I worry at the lengths you feel you need to go to in order to shamefully hide your food, but I see a silver lining. You’re here, and reading fat positive material is a great step. Don’t be so hard on yourself, you have every right to eat and live your life however you please! Hell yes this pizza is all for me, so what??!
Thank you for replying, and for being so nice!
I struggle with a lot of areas of fat positivity – I rail against the idea that my worth as a person is detracted against or negated entirely because of my size, or the notion that I owe the world a thin body, something they consider more aesthetically pleasing, in order to gain their acceptance and respect. But at the same time, I believe that I am unworthy of their respect and feel ashamed for being out in public and ruining their view and generally existing and getting in the way. I am Snorlax, blocking their path.
I know that being angry at the world for not accepting me, and hating myself for being so unacceptable, are not helpful or beneficial and that I’d be much happier in-between them, instead of swinging back and forth. I have an anxiety disorder and depression, and agoraphobia, which are both commonly tied in with body issues and, unfortunately, commonly written off as ’caused’ entirely by being fat (and therefore unworthy of treatment because you should just lose weight).
I’ve had some therapy (I live in the UK and am fortunate enough to be able to get limited, but sadly not ongoing therapy on the NHS) but the idea of self-worth when you have very little is something that is very difficult to learn or believe. Maybe it starts with being able to look the pizza delivery guy in the eye.
Blogs like yours help, and when I read them I do feel like – maybe – I’m not such a bad person. But it is difficult, a lot of it feels too good to be true, that it’s only true of others, and not me, and I’m deluding myself to think otherwise.
It’s a work-in-progress! Which I suppose, everyone is.
As I was reading this I had to double check that I hadn’t written it myself and forgotten! I do so many of those things, and I also have depression, anxiety and agoraphobia (and I’m in the UK, hi!). I rarely go out because I’m scared of what comments I’ll get this time, and the disgusted stares from people. I’ve been reading a lot of fat acceptance and body positivity stuff lately though, and it’s really helped. I’ve been trying to be kinder to myself, for example whenever I catch sight of myself in a mirror or a shop window I make a conscious effort to say something nice about myself instead of something nasty. It’s only a small thing, but so far it’s helped a bit. At the risk of self-promoting, I have some really great articles pinned on pinterest: http://pinterest.com/pinkelastik/accepting-myself/ I’d link to them all here, but this comment would probably get flagged as spam. I hope we can both start to feel better soon xx
Okay I need to stop following links. I got here from a link from another site that a friend had linked through facebook that I had linked to another friend because it was so awesome and fit her soapbox.
I am roughly 200 lbs. buxom, happy and have had chipmunk cheeks along with health problems since birth. I am naturally tall, round and have a great hourglass figure. That being said, I get so tired of people looking at me and saying “wow you wiegh that much? I would never believe it!” or of my doctor worshipping the BMI index when if I drop down to the goal weight (which I did once due to a horrible combination of abuse, suffering, medication side effects, undiagnosed illness and being sick all the time) I feel tired and icky all the time and it really doesn’t look healthy/attractive on me. I believe everyone should love what they were born with. I don’t look at people with rosacea and tell them to put make-up on to cover the red on their face (boyfriend and I are both irish, so this is common in our circles). I don’t look at someone skinny and tell them to turn sideways or any of the other hateful stuff. My rounder friends who complain they are too fat always make me want to cry in frustration because all I see is one bodacious babe sitting their talking about their flaws which I can’t even see! I have a few of the same problems and a lot of negative self-image (thanks to parental abuse mostly) but I am working really hard to get around that and to curb my tongue and mannerisms so I don’t make life worse for others.
My mom used to say “You don’t need to lose weight, you just need to get in shape” but no matter how much muscle I build, which btw weighs more than fat, I was never “in shape” enough. When I was too round, I was too round, when I was too skinny, I wasn’t toned enough. I gave up, moved out and for the past two years have been fixing my brain. It feels good btw, my boyfriend (juvenlie diabetic, irish, bit on the larger side of medium and damn fine) is constantly teasing me in the good way, compliments not “helpful suggestions”.
My doctor kept telling me that because I am anemic and have hypo-hyper glycemia (the first is early onset but runs in my family and is very severe, the second had seen me flatline multiple times before age 4 and was diagnosed at 18 months) I needed to lose weight. In reality, my health problem are because I was eating too many carbs and not enough protein which my body does regulate in a funky way thanks to the two issues bouncing off each other and I needed to be better hydrated. My mood, my eating habits, my overall physical being is a thousand times better now that I drink more water! Lol, the fact that my doctors were whingeing about me being obese when in reality I don’t have much of a thirst reaction still makes me laugh and flick them off when I pass their office. It’s the little things in life right?
The two worst things that have happened to me, and this is Australia for you I guess,
is once I had two kids on bikes chasing me down the street oinking. I wanted to throw rocks at them, but I just studiously ignored them, and pretended that my MP3 player had not run out of batteries. =|
I also had a gentleman tell me I should stop eating pork chops when I was LEAVING THE GYM one day… At the time, I was a vegan.
To be fair though, people just like being pricks. It’s in their genes.
Hi I live in Ontario, Canada
Reading these stories I have had a mixture of stock at what people seem to think is okay to stay to a complete strangers and awe at the men and women who stand up for themselves because I know from experience it can be a very emotional situation when people go out of their way to shame you.
I’m a baker and usually it’s only for friends and family but lately I’ve been making a profit from it doing wedding cakes and bridal showers cupcakes etc. I haven’t had a bad grocery store experience but every time I shop for baking supplies ( icing sugar, chocolate, butter ) I feel like everyone around me is judging me, I have a tight budget and so often times I will stock up on items that are on sale to keep on hand for future requests. Once while shopping I had 10 kg of icing sugar in my cart, walking around looking for other things I needed I could feel people looking at me like, “does she really need all that sugar” and YES I did,
I had one women stop me and I braced myself for something negative but all she asked was if the sugar was on sale to which I told her kindly, yes it was on for a great deal and where to find it in the store.
The worse thing that has happened to me wasn’t while shopping but actually while I was at work. I worked as a photographer at a certain large retail value store. We were over staffed for the day with 3 of us working and there was absolutely no customers when an elderly lady came in for passport pictures, which we took and cashed her out for. She stayed for a bit and was talking to us about the pictures of children around the studio and asked my colleagues who had served her if they had any children to which the first replied yes she had 3 at home. She looked at the second lady behind the desk who was closest to me and she replied she had a baby girl. I was walking back from the camera room and the women catches my eye and says ” oh you’ve got one on the way!” Now our studio is pretty small and since it had nobody in it but staff I had heard the whole conversation. I just stood there stunned, I said “no sorry I’m not pregnant” to which without missing a beat the old lady said ” OH you just must really love food!” At this point I wanted to tell her exactly where she could stick her passport pictures but since I was at work and not alone I just shrugged and walked back into the camera room to continue cleaning and avoid conflict. It still really bugs me that she had to say anything at all, or that she didn’t apologize, instead for her mistake she calls me fat.
Which I am, but I certainly don’t need other people to come up and tell me, as if I’d have forgotten if it wasn’t for them.
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Sometimes, I wonder if people realize that their “healthier options” are slowly killing us all. There’s a reason why that food it “fat free” or “more healthy”. It’s because there’s a chemical, or some ingredient that’s MAKING IT THAT WAY. Maybe they should stop feeding us what they “think” is healthy, and actually read what IS. Guaranteed half the people who shame heavier people in grocery stores, have a cart full of process foods. Or ready-to-go meals. You may as well have a cart full of candy bars. I mean, honestly.
The shaming for body type and size is just out of this world, RIDICULOUS. I’m a woman of smaller frame, and I am CONSTANTLY told to go eat a fucking cheeseburger. I’M A FUCKING VEGETARIAN AND I’M NOT UNDERWEIGHT. WHY DON’T YOU SHOVE SAID CHEESEBURGER UP YOUR ASS.
When this society FINALLY realizes that women are beautiful, PEOPLE are beautiful, in every shape, in every form, and at any size…. maybe THEN we can all be less self conscious. Maybe then Eating Disorders wouldn’t be rampant. Maybe THEN we could all have the confidence in ourselves we deserve.
I am so happy to have found this blog. <3
Since every body has different taste preferences, dietary requirements, allergies, intolerances, budgets etcetera, I find it impossible to judge what people should or should not be eating. I am not interested in policing other people’s food choices because food itself is not good nor bad (plus it’s none of my damn business!). Food is food, not poison. Even twinkies have their value. As someone who did indeed have a cart full of candy bars, I had my reasons and owed nobody an explanation, just like their cart contents are no business of mine.
Body shaming in any form is really NOT OK, and I am sorry to hear that people also make assumptions based upon your size. You are in control of your own body. I hear that “eat a cheeseburger” happens a lot, usually coming from people trying to make themselves feel superior, and in my opinion it is just as disgusting as “put down the fork”, the only difference being nobody is trying to deny you the basic right to eat because you are so abhorrent to look at.
Your last paragraph kicks ass! This is a society we could all so easily be striving for. Thank you for commenting.
I have friends that are 200, 300, 400 pounds. I love them all! Great friends. I, myself, am only a 200 pounder but I have felt the damaging effects of body shaming.
My friend’s sister, who is surprisingly one of my friends now, used to call me fat when I was 9 (she was 11). I’d always retort back with the “Well at least I’m not a toothpick” comments.
I always had the skinnier friends. I really started to notice my weight when I was starting to fit into the size 9 and higher junior clothes and my friends were in the 2-5 range in seventh grade. I was still growing! But the number would climb every year and I still felt like I should be in the sizes my friends were in.
Fast forward a few years, my sister would always comment on how she was disgusted with jealously with how skinny I was (she was bigger than me), and I always said “No I’m not.”
Fast forward to last Christmas (after I had a baby), I had a plate that had just a few things on it and my mom LOUDLY exclaimed for my sister, her husband, MY husband, my dad, my son, and my sister’s son to hear: “Look at you! You used to be skin and bone!”
I was MORTIFIED.
I had also just recently found out that there is a possibility that I have hypothyroidism. I quickly went off on her about that, but even then, why should I explain to someone why I am the way I am?
Why do I have to defend myself against people?
WHY THE FUCK SHOULD PEOPLE CARE ABOUT WHAT SIZE I AM?!
I AM 23 YEARS OLD. I AM AN ADULT. I AM NOT A CHILD. LEAVE ME ALONE!
My weight is my business, not yours to butt your freakin’ face into.
I don’t tell you “Oh hey, I noticed that you got that Preparation-H cream. You know, if you ate more fiber you wouldn’t get hemorrhoids!”
There is ALWAYS more to the story…
Hi Dana,
I do hope that 23 year old you understands that saying “at least I’m not a toothpick” is no better for thin women than the negative comments you receive about your own body. It’s all body snarking and it’s all bullshit, frankly!
Families are usually the best at making us feel the worst, aren’t they? It’s that well-meaning love and ‘concern’ that makes it hurt all the more.
You absolutely do NOT owe anybody a long-winded explanation regarding your size OR your health. The part of your comment stated in CAPITALS is a perfect retort to anyone that would try to convince you otherwise.
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I haven’t really ever had problems like that while at the grocery store. Probably because when I’m at the grocery store I’m doing something even more worth dirty looks like *gasp* being out in public while simultaneously being one half of a multi-racial couple or even being involved with a relatively attractive man while being fat. That seems to get more people upset than what we put in our grocery cart.
However, I do get a lot of shit from people when I dare to eat in public while fat. Especially when I’m eating something unhealthy (although I get it plenty when I’m eating a salad). One incident that really stands out for me was maybe two years ago in an airport (I think it was in Orlando but I could be wrong. It was definitely somewhere south of New York and I feel like Orlando is the only place south of New York I’ve been to on a plane in the last two years. But that’s not exactly important to the story.) at like 8:00 in the morning. I was starving and running a bit behind schedule for my flight. The only thing they had at the airport that was both affordable and fast was a McDonald’s which was fine by me because I love McDonald’s breakfast. So I ordered a couple of hashbrowns, an order of hot cakes, and an ice coffee (which the woman at the counter misheard as one of those fancypants frappe drinks with the caramel sauce and the whipped cream and whatnot) and then made a dash for the gate with my food. When I got there it turned out my plane had been delayed a little so I decided to eat my breakfast at the gate. I pulled out the hot cakes from the bag, balanced my silly looking drink on my duffel bag, and started eating. When I looked up I noticed a woman staring at me with a look of utter horror. She didn’t stop staring until I had finished my very last hash brown. She then sort of sniffed in my direction, turned her nose up, and refused to make eye contact with me for the remainder of the time we were at the gate. I remember having to fight so hard against my instinct to justify to this complete stranger why it was okay that I was eating breakfast from McDonald’s at my gate in the airport. And that’s something that’s still hard for me to do. Whenever I see someone giving me nasty looks when I’m eating something in public I have to resist the urge to justify my food intake. Because ultimately it’s my right as a human being to eat food isn’t it? When I’m hungry? And I shouldn’t have to prove to strangers that it’s okay that I’m eating when I’m hungry because that’s a perfectly reasonable human response. But it’s so hard not to want to turn to them and give them actual excuses for why I’m eating. In public. Where eating is allowed. I mean, it’s not like there was a “No food” sign anywhere or like there weren’t a bunch of other people eating in the gate. It’s just that I was eating while fat. And I should have known better.
I don’t really have a grocery store story, mainly because I only grocery shop with my earbuds in and music playing. The less I have to interact with people, the better, especially when I factor in the stories like y’all have talked about above. Of course, I live in the very deep South of the US in a rural area and there’s lots of other fatties around here, but there’s also an expected level of politeness that’s expected. Usually if I catch any flak, it’s kind of hidden in conversation or somehow muted. In other words, easy for me to ignore most days.
My problem is that I really need to go to the doctor. I’ve been losing weight without trying and having shortness of breath and just essentially feeling bad. But I get so stressed out by the weight loss lecture that I KNOW is coming that I just end up putting it off. I mean, I have to see an Army doctor and there is no shopping around. *sigh*
Pange,
Thank you for coming to comment. If you looked over the other comments, you’ll notice that you are not the only person here who has health concerns or is worried about seeing a doctor. I am not a doctor, but after 15 years of being an advocate for myself in the health care setting, I did learn a few things that are helpful.
1. Be prepared: when you go to the doctor – take in a typed list of your symptoms and anything else that is relevant to your visit. It is helpful to have your questions written down in advance. That way, if the doctor starts trying to push you off onto the subject of weight, you have a concrete reminder of why you are there and can get back on track.
2. http://lindabacon.org/HAESbook/pdf_files/HAES_Message%20to%20Health%20Providers.pdf
Take a letter like this with you. It can be helpful to prepare your doctor and introduce the fact that you are not there for weight loss advice. It helps that the information was written by another doctor. You can use this “appeal to authority” to help legitimize your position.
3. Take someone with you who is also HAES supportive. Take a family member or friend with you. Not only is this helpful in the context that they can act as a second set of ears. But doctors tend to be less hostile or hurtful when there are 2 of you.
4. Lastly – Know that the doctor is working for you. If you went out to dinner, and your waiter tossed your plate on the table, or spit in the food, you wouldn’t tip them, or likely even pay for the meal. Just because the person has an MD in their title, doesn’t mean they have a license to abuse you. If you are unhappy with the treatment you receive, ask to speak to the office manager.
The issues you are complaining of are important and deserve medical attention. I hope you are able to address them.
Okay, so I’m visibly pregnant along with being fat. Now, I’ve gotten glares before, which I’m used to. However, it’s only gotten worse since I became pregnant.
So about a week ago, I’m picking out prenatal vitamins, and someone walks by and sees that I’ve got chocolate cupcakes and cookies in my cart, along with microwavable meals that I love. And some woman says to me “You know, you may want to reconsider the junk food. All that baby weight will just be harder to take off if you don’t, and you don’t want to set a bad example for your child by eating badly.”
I whipped around, and looked at her for a second, unsure of what to say. Then my mom (I love her for this) who’s also fat walks up and says “Well, I have to say that I think I set a good example for my child. After all, at least she’s not rude enough to intrude on someone else’s life and criticize their choice to be an asshole in public.”
The woman was shocked, I started laughing uncontrollably and we walked away smiling like fools. I love my mom for being so witty when I’m at a loss for words.
Right now, I totally love your mom too!! What an excellent response! And your mom is right. She clearly did an excellent job.
I am flabbergast that everyone seems to be a fucking biologist with a PH.d level understanding of the body and all of it’s mechanisms and are suddenly fully qualified to evaluate and disseminate advice. Most people, if you ask them how the metabolism work, don’t have a fucking clue. Yet apparently still feel fine passing judgement on strangers in the store. If you are what you eat, then this person must have eaten a giant bowl of anger and personal dissatisfaction. Yum.
A few years ago when I was still with my now ex-husband and he was out to sea, I was at the commissary. I had been forcing myself to walk more because my muscles were weak from being so inactive due to various issues. It was so bad at one point that I couldn’t walk around the store without being in excruciating pain. Anyway I had lost around 15 pounds at this point while he was gone, I was feelin pretty good and I was able to walk more. While walking along, minding my own business, two young navy guys behind me were snickering. I hear one of them say something along the lines of “UGH who would marry that?!” It took me a moment to realize I heard them right. I held my head high and kept walking because I had no idea what I could even say. I didn’t really want to go into why I was where I was or make a scene. I dunno, theoretically I could have spun on them and explained that:
1. I have PCOS (was undiagnosed at the time but I was suspicious. I was finally diagnosed just a few months ago but I had to argue and insist on further testing to find out despite almost every symptom showing) and kept gaining since I was a teenager even though I had been a skinny child.
2. I gained most of my weight eating rather little and drinking a lot of sodas and energy drinks due to major depression brought on by hormonal imbalances and an emotionally abusive porn addicted husband. This also resulted in me staying home all the time because I was miserable.
3. Doctors either flat ignored me or told me that losing weight would magically cure anything and everything wrong with me. Random body pains? Fat. Depression? Fat. Growing a mini neckbeard? Fat. Wrist pain? You guessed it, fat.
4. And finally that I did eventually develop an unhealthy relationship with food but it’s far from how it started. Eventually once I was already fat, I started using food as a comfort. Somewhere in my head, it was kinda like “Well, I’m fat anyway, why does it matter?” I didn’t have anything else in life that gave me any joy besides my cats.
Anyway, at the time this was devastating. The reason I had stayed with that horrible man was really stupid now that I look back on it and I’m incredibly ashamed of it: I thought no one else would love me because I was fat. He told me as much before too. Oh, he also blamed his porn usage on me (never mind that he did it before I gained the bulk of the weight). Now though? I’m losing weight so I can be more active in ways I used to be, nothing more. If somebody tried to pull something like that again, I’d probably react kinda like Tyra here:
*EDIT: This comment contained a link to a youtube clip of Tyra Banks in a Family Guy parody. As Family Guy is well known for it’s use of fat jokes as cheap entertainment, we will not be giving them any traffic.*
Stephanie,
I am glad to hear that you are no longer in this relationship. Like you, I have also experienced bigotry and hatred when trying to get medical care. You bring up an important point – how can we expect people to leave an abusive relationship when our culture tells them they are worthless and unloveable? It sounds like, based on your comment, that you are in a better position now (or at least I hope that is the case). Thank you for sharing your comment.
Holy shit, I can’t believe people actually boss strangers around like that… wait. Nope, now that I think about it – after all the people I met when I was pregnant who smothered me with unsolicited advice about being a mom – I can see how that might happen. Still not okay though. Good for you for giving ‘em hell.
A couple of weeks ago a woman (a person I’ve never seen before) yelled at my face that I’m ugly and shouldn’t be allowed to take cake of kids (I work at a kindergarten).
I really don’t get people. Seriously.
I’m glad such a “shopping encounter” never happened to me …because I don’t know if I could handle it very well.
People should mind their own fucking business.
Holy crap. That is a level of vitriol that is just down right impressive. I am going to assume that the person doing the screaming had a child in the kindergarten? If that is the case, the comment becomes twice as horrifying. I am truly sorry that you experienced this. I understand why you say you don’t know how you would handle it. I am experiencing this second hand, and I find myself sitting here, jaw flapping, unable to come up with an articulate or witty phrase that encompasses my level of shock and horror. I am glad you shared this, since readers can hopefully consider the impact their actions have not only on those they are directed at, but also on the children who witness it. Thank you for sharing, Sabine.
Actually not. She was just some outright stranger I’ve never seen before. She went passed me and mumbled things like “Disgusting. Fat people. Shouldn’t be allowed to take care of kids.” (Guess she saw me interacting with them).
When I turned around and asked if she had a problem she yelled in my face “YES. YOU ARE UGLY”.
Well guess that woman knew well how to ruin people’s day.
Well the thing that bothered me the most was that nobody said a thing. Everyone just stood there shocked. At least I was able to tell that woman that I think it’s horrible that rude people like her are allowed to exist.
I swear if it wasn’t for the 20 children with me I would have jumped right into that womans face…
It kinda feels good to share it, though I really needed time to cope with that experience..
well..what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, right?
I’ve never noticed anyone checking out my grocery cart, but a few months back I did have a complete stranger tell me about this great exercise class she was just heading into as I passed on the sidewalk. I was listening to music and kind of distracted, so what she said didn’t register in time for me to reply.
I will note I’d walked about a mile to that location, she’d driven. I somehow doubt I get less exercise than she does.
Amazing isn’t it?! Some people feel like they have the gospel of health and fitness and they are compelled to share it with us poor exercise-lepers. I am at a loss as to how to even deal with people like this sometimes. So I tend to just give them the head tilt. The one that says “seriously?” Thanks for coming and sharing this tidbit.
Just found this blog through a link someone posted online. Great work — I think this is really necessary for anyone who has been shamed for their body type or weight. I’m a size 12 US, which according to social norms is not “plus sized,” though I feel incredibly insecure about my body. I’ve had people ask if I’m pregnant before; my family always tells me I “look great” when I’ve lost weight, and make no such comment if I’ve put on a few pounds. I commute by bike and I’m a vegan; I’m active and healthy. I play rugby. I recently went to the doctor about lower back pain, to which she responded “Well weight loss will help with that.” I had recently been prescribed a new anti-depressant, and my doctor followed up her weight comment with “though once the medication kicks in and you’re less depressed, maybe you won’t eat so much.” She asked no questions about my meals, my eating habits, or whether my back pain could be related to anything other than my apparent spine-crushing fatness (like, say, spine-crushing rugby matches). I can’t believe even health care professionals buy into this “everyone must be a size 4″ mentality.
Yup, Hag, you hit on an important point. We can all banter around with the “morality” of fatness and food and whatever else people feel like fat people are causing or doing wrong. But on the nuts and bolts side of it – - we are being denied very basic human rights like quality health care. Regardless of whether a person is “fit-and-fat” or just plain fat, they should never be deprived of access to such a basic thing as medical care. It boggles my mind. I think the doctors must have forgotten their oath to do no harm. I hope that you were confidant enough (and had the resources) to shop around and get a doctor who took you seriously. Thank you for stopping to comment.
I’m fortunate enough not to have experienced grocery store judgment–as far as I’m aware. I have better things to do than worry about what other people are doing in the store, and I generally assume they feel the same, unless they indicate otherwise. But I suppose it’s possible people have judged my purchases but did so quietly or subtly enough that I didn’t notice. I’m pretty sure I’d see if someone was following me or watching me carefully, though–I mind my own business, but I’m not oblivious to my surroundings.
I have, more recently, had the double stigma of being on EBT (that’s newspeak for food stamps). I don’t pay enough attention to see what others are paying with, but I don’t know if they’ve done it to me–if they have, again, there’s been no sign. But usually go through the self-checkout, so that may be a factor.
I did, however, get shit in a restaurant once, about six or ten years or so ago. It was this tiny Chinese buffet where I (probably twenty or so pounds smaller than I am now, funnily enough) and my husband were having lunch, and there was this woman… I don’t remember now what alerted me to her, because she was across the room (about twenty feet away). She muttered the word “disgusting” and did, in fact, look disgusted. I know it had to be something about me, because no one but us, her, and the man she was with were the restaurant, and she was turned in her chair to face our table.
All my insides sunk to my feet. A trip that had previously been fun had suddenly stopped being so. I felt on display. Worse, I felt helpless, because I was too stunned to know what to say, or even be completely sure I’d heard correctly. Adding insult to injury: she was dressed ten to fifteen years out of date (acid washed jeans, big, bleached hair, leathery tan), and I was fashionably dressed. So I could have been just as much of an asshole as she was, if I’d wanted to…but *I* recognized that it was none of my business.
If something like this happened now, I might be more likely to challenge or embarrass her, depending on the situation. Certainly I would if others were around to witness. But I hadn’t experienced that kind of thing since high school, and didn’t expect it from a woman at least ten years my senior.
Doubleplusgood points for the 1984 reference!
I think you summed up the response to bullying like this perfectly: “I felt on display. Worse I felt helpless..” Those moments are something Joy Nash likes to call Staircase Wit. (it’s on youtube if you feel like watching). Thanks for stopping by to comment and for articulating your response to this type of bullying so well. It truly is a visceral experience.
I meant to say “recognized it was none of my business what she looked like”, but I hope that was implied.
And, thank you, and you’re welcome
I’ll have to remember to look up Staircase Wit later, since I’m currently on a computer where the sound has stopped working. *note to self*
It’s amazing to me that people feel they can say this stuff to strangers! Thanks for sharing your experiences- and I too love the idea of you dancing around making a spectacle of yourself!
Once I was shopping in Trader Joe’s – I was having some friends over later in the week and thought I’d get some snacks. I was perusing a container of spinach dip when a woman came up to me and said “Oh, you don’t need that!”. Like I was going to buy the spinach dip for lunch and just dig in with a spoon- Um, Okay, maybe I don’t need to eat an entire container by myself, but if I’m sharing it with 10 friends I think I’ll survive. I chalked it up to her being a kooky old lady, but I see that I was being ageist. She was just an asshole.
Hi Sarah, it was indeed a bit of an asshole move to approach you and try to ‘save’ you from yourself and the evil spinach dip binge you were no doubt about to engage in! I love how this one comes with the assumption that fat people have no friends or family, and only ever buy food for themselves. Even if it had been your lunch, it is not ok to butt in and shame somebody because.. Who asked you?
(For the record, I’m pretty sure I’ve made a lunch out of dip before – or do the crackers suddenly make it better?)
Being a fat man and unhealthy with it, I have tried so many programmes. You are right to mention the huge failure rate of diets. I have tried asking for help to improve my health (I wouldn’t mind being fat so much if I was fat and healthy – but it is the unhealthy part I am desperate to fix. I want my boys to have a Dad when they grow up!) All I seem to get is advice to have a gastric bypass and all my problems would go away.
As a kid I got a lot of loaded compliments “Wow, you look good! Imagine how much better you’d look if you were skinny!” etc. A large proportion from family.
Now I have a very loving and supportive wife (9 years this year – so stick that all you nay-sayers from my past who said a fat man would never get a girlfriend), a successful business of my own, 3 wonderful boys and a circle of loyal and supportive friends.
Now to just work on improving the actual health issues… one day at a time.
Hi James,
Thank you for your comment. I asked Fat Additives if I could field the response on this one, as I have dealt with a significant number of health issues and spent a great deal of time teasing out the difference between weight and health. First, let me say CHEERS! to you and your lovely wife. As a super obese woman with a fit husband, we’ve been married almost 10 years, I can totally get behind the desire to tell all the nay sayers to just fuck all the way off!!
It is difficult to shake of years of mixed messages from family, friends, and other people who have so called “good intentions”. I understand the desire to fix health issues, so I am going to include a couple links you might find helpful:
http://www.welcoa.org/freeresources/pdf/10thingsyoucandorightnow.pdf
This first link is 10 things you can do right now to ease concerns about your weight and improve your health.
http://www.obesitymyths.com/downloads/obesityMyths.pdf
Debunking some of the myths that surround obesity and health issues.
http://www.haescommunity.org/search_registry_results.php
If you are financially able, perhaps you might look into the services provided by Carly McCall in the NZ area. She is a HAES motivated fitness trainer.
http://www.plussizeyellowpages.com/Size_Friendly_Health_Professionals.htm
And of course Kelly Bliss’s reference links regarding health and HAES.
Not knowing what your personal health issues are, it is difficult to give you specific advice. However, in my experience, one of the most positive and beneficial things you can do for your health is to reduce your stress. Personally, I find worrying about my health and my weight to be extremely stress inducing. Hopefully some of these links will help you find lower-stress ways to manage your self care and have a happy life with your wife and children. Thank you for commenting and reading!
It took me a few days to think of one specific incident that seemed to be worth the time to sit down and write. As a woman who is 5’9 inches tall and around 370lbs, I tend to receive a lot of very vocal and critical responses to my mere existence.
My story happened when I was working as a teller at a Credit Union. At the time, I was diligently practicing the anorexic behavior that most women my size are encouraged to practice. Later, I would spend 3 years in treatment for this disorder, but I digress. At that time, I was celebrating a significant weight loss and was around 265lbs or roughly a size 22/24 US. So, I was at work, doing my busy teller, and a husband and wife walk up to my station. The husband says “OH! When are you due?!” I said “I’m fat. Not pregnant.” the wife looks at me then chastises her husband and says “Obviously her kids are at home! Look how tired she is!” At that point I was like great! I am fat, and tired. What business is my body or uterus or reproductive status to anyone? I had to just smile and try to steer them away from the topic and onto the purpose of their transaction. At that time, Pre-HAES/FA, I was devastated by this encounter. Now, even if I was at work, I would probably make a more direct comment to the fact that I am both fat and barren, thankyouverymuch-k-bye.
And then quietly hope they stepped on a lego or something.
I hope he was suitably mortified after being a presumptuous horse’s ass! This is clearly why we are friends Fat Fox, I keep legos in my pocket for just such an emergency!
Indeed. It is clearly destiny. Pfft! His wife should have been equally mortified. She gave me that “oh men don’t understand” look. And I was like “Puhlease!!” You just told me I look haggard!
what a fabulous post! it’s so awful that these things happen. my story happened a few years after college…my best friend and i lived together for several years and we would do our grocery shopping together. well, we are on opposite sides of the spectrum when it comes to body type, she being very thin, and me being larger. once, when we were doing our shopping, a woman and her husband were behind us and she said to him (loudly) “i hope all that cheese is for the anorexic girl…she’s the one who needs it.” talk about killing two birds with one stone! i wasn’t allowed to have the cheese because i was so disgusting, while my bestie obviously had an eating disorder because she’s very slim! it didn’t matter that we both shared the same habits of good health. we laughed about it, but it hurt both of us. since then, it’s become so important to me to really pay attention to people’s character and not what they look like. we’ve become so absorbed in the idea that we are allowed to judge people by some sort of “universal” standard without a second thought; women especially have to fight so hard against the idea that all we are is the sum of our whatever our physical appearance relates to someone else’s aesthetics.
so…thanks for this article!!!
Wow, Erica. The woman who made that comment deserves some sort of prize for multi-purpose condesention! That is truly an impressive fail on her part.
I think it’s marvelous that you and your friend were able to come together and offer support for each other. Personally, I think it is important to love people as whole individuals. No one wants to be loved “despite” how they look.
And yes, I would heartily agree that women are put under a tremendous amount of stress when it comes to physical appearance. It is an untenable situation since there is no way to be desirable to every single person you happen to encounter. It puts us in a situation where we are stuck in the dichotomy of needing to be morally pure and virtuous while satisfying all of the sexual desires of anyone who looks at us. Truly a crazy making position to be in. Thank you for stopping by to comment!
I’ve never had it happen at the grocery store but I have had it happen with a doctor. After I had my twins I was over 200 lbs and a back injury I had gotten before I was pregnant was bothering me so I went to a doctor. My usual doctor wasn’t there so I ended up with one of his partners and the guy took one look at me and said my back hurt because I was obese and would only feel better when I lost 90 lbs. When I told him that I had injured my back before I had even gained any of the weight he saw he just ignored me and repeated that it would go away when I stopped being so fat. I never went back to that doctor and found a new one that would actually listen to me rather than just take a look at me and judge.
Hi Keri,
Yeah, medical professionals really deserve a whole post unto themselves, they’re a special breed of stigma-enhancing fatphobics. Apparently the only condition any fat person really has is FAT! and weight-loss is the cure-all elixir we’ve all been waiting to hear about!
Clearly it shouldn’t have to be so unreasonable for us to ask modern medicine to pull it’s head out of the dark ages and catch up with the rest of us.
I am so glad you got yourself another doctor!
This is abhorrent!! It is also something I have experienced repeatedly. It took me nearly 15 years to finally be diagnosed with Fibromyalgia and a whole other host of medical issues because the doctors kept saying “just lose weight”. I am glad you had the courage, tenacity, and financial ability to seek out another doctor. I hope you are coping well now.
I work in a library, and I once had a very thin woman come up to me at my desk (I work with reference assistance and other question/answer situations, so I didn’t think anything of her walking up) and she just goes right in on saying she couldn’t help my notice my ‘situation’ and wanted to offer me some free samples of a “healthy meal replacement shake” that would really help me out. Now here I am, at work, where I can’t properly go off in response, AND I had just the day before left my weight watchers meeting where I’d hit my 50 pound loss mark. Since I couldn’t go off on her while I was working, I simple said that I was doing just fine with weight watchers, and said good bye to her. She gave me this disbelieving look like “oh honey you’re worse off than I thought and you don’t even seen it.” I couldn’t believe it. Why is my body her business??? Oh wait, IT’S NOT.
How positively charming of this lady to take it upon herself to become your fairy godmother! I don’t care how well intentioned people are when they do things like this, it is ENTIRELY inappropriate to assume fat people ‘need’ you butting in.
Such a shame that you were in a situation where you were forced to limit your response, that lady deserved a serious reprimand!
You are, of course, correct. It was completely none of her business!
I know this isn’t the same thing – but my partner and I do something similar, as we are low income, house poor, and generally all around broke most of the time. We get looks because of our looks and our clothes. So we yell “POOR PEOPLE COMING THROUGH”. It’s so fun.
Hi Dani!
While this isn’t fat related, it’s a prime example of classism and you do a great thing by making it known that you are aware of other people’s shameful behaviour and rank attitudes.
People who engage in shaming others because they feel superior aren’t as subtle as they like to think they are (we all notice you being an ass!), and I love how you have fun in dealing with this. Thank you for sharing!
Hi there,
I’ve never been to this site before, but followed a link from a friend’s facebook post and just had to share. I was downtown walking through the bar scene with some girlfriends a year or so ago, and we were all dolled up and felt pretty cute. I was walking a little behind the group with two other friends, one who I would describe as “medium” size, one who is a little larger than her, and I was by far the largest. I would have never given it a thought but for the following event: a group of college-age guys drove by and yelled “Get off the street, whale!”
Without looking around I immediately knew he was talking to me, and the cuteness I’d felt until that moment immediately drained. Then my friend who I think of as skinny said “I’m so embassased he said that to me” — “me” being her, she’d thought the comment was for her. Then my friend who is larger than her (but still smaller than me said “are you kidding, they were totally talking about me.” I realized the fat-bashing doesn’t just affect us truly fat people. It not only causes people to regard themselves in negative ways even when we don’t mean to, but it can hurt ANYONE who feels their size/shape/whatever isn’t the norm. I turned to my friends and said “screw those idiots–we all look hot” and grabbed them to speed up and catch our friends. I remember that night if I ever look at a picture and don’t like what I see (because that’s often the ONLY time I see it!). There is no end-point, if you aren’t happy with your body, you NEVER will be. And as a fellow former diet on-and-off kid growing up, I have to say I just laugh at some of their sloagens. Like “nothing tastes as good as thin feels…” Even when I was a high school waterpolo player and swimmer eating right I STILL didn’t know how thin felt, but I DO know how GOOD lots of things taste!!
Hi SeaGherkin, this is a great story and thank you for sharing it. It’s interesting to note that yes, many people have distorted views when it comes to their own physical appearance, but that’s the difference between projecting your insecurities and being the recipient of a very real and hurtful slur.
I’m glad you said ‘screw those idiots’ and made the positive choice, loving yourself isn’t always easy and even the most self assured of us still struggle occasionally.
I’ve never known what thin feels like, but I’m pretty happy with the body I have and I sure don’t feel like I’m missing out!
“But instead of crying, I paraded around the store, dancing around rubbing my belly while crying out “FAAAAAAT!””
did you really do that? that is so awesome!!!
(erm… I made my way here from lovelivegrow who was linked to by fatheffalump)
I totally did, made a complete spectacle out of my fat (also tattooed, bright haired and very visible) ass and had a field day doing it!
That was quite the link train you followed to get here, thank you for making the commute and welcome!
Hello from Nigeria, where fat-shaming is absolutely a thing over here. I’ve been fat my whole life, and I think I’m going to stay this size no matter what I do, but it didn’t really become a problem for other people until I hit puberty. When I was younger, everyone thought ‘Oh, it’s just puppy fat, it’ll roll right off you when you’re older.’ And when that didn’t happen, my body became everyone’s business. Teachers who would comment that ‘Oh, you look good!’ after I went to the gym for a few days, or admonish me for going to the cafeteria. I only ate breakfast and dinner for the four years I was at that school because I was scared of being seen to eat. The bullying (dear God, the bullying). At home, where my mother would (and still does) break down in tears because one of her friends would confront her and ask why she let my sister and me get ‘so big.’ As if our weight is a reflection on her parenting! I even remember when we were going to university in England, and the airport official actually held the line up so she could tell us that ‘we’d be prettier if we lost weight’ and how we should take advantage of the ‘good food’ in England while we were in school.
I’ve not been fat-shamed at the grocery store. But there was an instance where I was out with a group of friends to see ‘The Avengers’. I ordered the tall popcorn and Fanta, and the man right behind me snorted and said ‘Orogbo,’ which means ‘fat person’ and was said in the most condescending tone I’ve ever heard. I pretended I didn’t hear him, my friend pretended I didn’t hear him, and when we walked away, she said “But he had a point, don’t you think?” I stopped speaking to her after that.
Hello Sayo!
You have to love the term puppy fat, don’t you? (She says sarcastically.) It’s the cutest misappropriated term ever. I’ve had ‘puppy fat’ for 28 years now, but maybe fat is just a phase I’m going through.
I am very sorry to hear about the loss of a friendship over fat shaming, but that was absolutely not an ok thing to say to you. Particularly not when you were already being harassed, great friend!
I sure hope the awesome movie made up for the lousy company!
Vancouver in Canada probably has the most fat haters per capita of any Western city. And the New Age/Yoga people top the list. I am a performance poet and some of the work I’ve done is expressly to educate people that fat people fall in love and have sex too. At certain poetry readings, I would get standing ovations for my poetry – but was shunned later by the Yoga crowd.We were supposedly all studying Eastern religions that encouraged respecting the God within each person. That is what Namaste means. I left when my Guru told me that because of my size I had no right to hope for love and a relationship. Several students echoed or approved of this comment. Another time, I was just walking down the street, minding my own business when I saw (and smelled) a very drunken man sitting on the sidewalk, holding onto the base of a parking meter. He had vomited and looked the worse for wear – but he found the strength to shout at me as I passed by “Hey Lady – why don’t you lose some weight? Even in the Health Care industry fat prejudice exists. In my 30′s I had to have a hysterectomy because of heavy bleeding. My Gyne doctor, after having performed several D’s and C’s on me, told me it was my fault for being overweight and depressed. That my attitude and actions were making my hippo campus to malfunction, causing more estrogen to store in my body and that was causing the bleeding. After the hysterectomy, he apologized because in fact I had a very large fibroid tumor on the outside back of my uterus. Didn’t show up in ultrasounds or the D’s and C’s because it was hidden. That was 30 years ago now and I see more signs of hate and intolerance as people buy into the lie that all people must be slim at all costs or we will bankrupt the health care system. And, generally they are offended to see or be around fat people. “Fat and Ugly” are words people have used in conversations while I was right in the same room. When confronted some apologize and say they didn’t think of me in that way – its just other fat people they are talking about. And don’t get me started on the men in Vancouver who prefer smaller, thinner women – often from other countries – because they are more likely to be subservient and cater to their macho lifestyle. I’m a big woman and I stand in my power and refuse to cower to bigots. But something has got to change or someday it will literally be against the law to be over a certain weight – no matter what the cause is. And then we will all be in “Big Trouble”
Hi Beryle, thanks for commenting!
I love, love, LOVE that you’re educating others about fat people falling in love and having sex! That is so great, there ought to be more of it! Sad to hear the negative reactions, like it’s so surprising to some that fat people enjoy active sex lives.
The medical field’s attitudes towards fat are a BIG issue, and activists have been trying to bring and end to the social stigma that results for years.
I sorrowfully agree with you about where we’ll end up if people don’t start listening up law-mandated surgeries and fines for what, being fat? And then the ‘limit’ will be made lower, and lower, until nobody is safe. Craziness.
My story didn’t occur in a grocery market; it was as I was leaving a restaurant with some take-out I was going to deliver and enjoy with my husband on his lunch break. Not much to report, other than as I was leaving, three men were entering and as I passed them, one of them made pig-like grunting noises at me. The other two tried to suppress laughter. I turned around and said loudly enough to be heard by them and everyone else in the vicinity, “Excuse me? What did you say?” The coward mumbled “I didn’t say anything.” To which I replied, “I didn’t think so.” I then left and made sure not to cry until I was out of sight. SO ANGRY that some stupid idiot could reduce me to tears. I can assure you, though, I never will again.
Hi Juanita, thanks so much for your story!
I am loving the strength of character you displayed in front of those that would have you humiliated, bravo!
I completely understand your frustration at crying, as I’m sure many others will also, but sometimes the hate is just too confronting. Just remember that you are stronger than the bullies who try to knock you down!
Thankfully, I’ve never experienced this. Or perhaps I have but I didn’t notice, because reading this post and comments I realized something my ten years of being consumed by an eating disorder, I am completely self-absorbed in the grocery store. Even now that I’m not disordered, and finally not only don’t have panic attacks but actually enjoy grocery shopping, I only pay attention to the options and myself. I avoid anyone else, let alone look in their cart!!! I think it’s incredibly weird that people check out other people’s carts, seems equivalent to staring into someone’s kitchen window.
Hi Jill, you make a great point. It IS weird and incredibly unnecessary to be checking out other peoples carts, even more so to pass judgement based on their contents. Clearly if you’re shopping you have your own agenda, why worry about what other people are doing?
More people should follow your example and mind their own business!
Oh my gosh. I’ve never had this happen to me, thankfully! Boy would I have some choice words if someone dared to say something like that to me. I can be meek and mild but I do NOT let anyone push me around.
I have felt like I’ve been discriminated against because of my weight with jobs though, mainly when I applied for retail jobs. It was very hard for me to find work after I graduate high school. I was only able to get a job because I knew someone. Thankfully I have since found a job that values me for my talents, with people who respect me, who have never made me feel bad about my weight. Even the doctors I’ve seen recently have been respectful, and I am definitely in the zone for fat shaming from doctors. I could lose 100lbs and probably still be in the zone for fat shaming from doctors.
That said, I feel as though the attitude you have about yourself reflects in how others see you. I don’t have the best self esteem and struggle with depression and self loathing on a semi regular basis, but at the end of the day, I am freakin’ awesome. If you’re going to pass judgement on me because of my weight you’re missing out. If you command respect, then you’ll get it eventually, even if its just from people you know. I’d rather be appreciated and respected by people I know more than some random stranger that knows nothing about me.
Hi Rakel,
I think it’s great that you refuse to be pushed around, that’s fantastic!
So many fat people have had some level of discrimination aimed towards them at some point, because there really is such a predominant stigma attached to fat, thanks obesity epidemic bandwagon! Some will experience an occasional remark or two, and there are others who sadly experience far worse. It’s important to not downplay these experiences, as they are forms of hate and everybody has a valid story.
I understand commanding respect and having (or developing) the self confidence to do so is important. I personally tend to have an issue with positive attitudes being reflected in others, because it only really works if people aren’t, y’know, asses. Everyone has the basic human right to respect and that shouldn’t be something we have to command, even from those that we don’t know. This shouldn’t be an issue, it should be a given.
Oh, I wasn’t saying that role shouldn’t be respected as human beings. I agree, everyone should be respectful, kind and courteous to all. I was raised to treat others the way you would like to be treated and if you have something to say that’s not nice, keep your mouth shut. But not everyone is like that… Even people who are otherwise kind to everyone else will be rude to a fat person. It’s highly uncalled for… But I won’t take that from my friends and family, that’s how I “command” respect. Some people don’t though… And all I have to say about that is: you are worth it. You are valuable, precious and the only person in the world like you. Sure, maybe you have flaws, who doesn’t? Being fat is not one of them, just like being skinny isn’t a flaw either.
This. This is perfect.
You have hit the nail on the head right here, and have my full agreement.
Thank you.
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I could write a book about supermarket encounters with The Shopping Cart Police. They happen to me a lot. I’m used to the stares and the derision and the smug superiority. Those hurt me a lot but at least they aren’t truly dangerous. However, my most recent encounter was actually frightening.
I was in an organic produce market here in Southern California called Sprouts. They are a small chain and the stores have lovely organic produce at excellent prices.
As we walked in my husband stopped to hand me a shopping cart. He wasn’t aware there was a man right behind him who had to stop while I took the cart. The man glared at my husband and at me. OK. I can see that. He did have someone stop abruptly right in front of him. But I would think that would be the end of it. Of course, it wasn’t.
These stores are not very large so it makes sense I would see the man again as we shopped. But he was there, glaring at me, every time I turned a corner or went to another aisle. It was far beyond coincidence. It was way beyond creepy. It was actually frightening. Warning bells were going off and I’m not the paranoid type.
I told my husband I thought it was time to leave but didn’t say why. I didn’t want him confronting this man whom I felt was very possibly dangerous. I looked over my shoulder a number of times as we left the store until we were safely in the car and on our way.
This fellow was well groomed and well dressed. He looked just like any number of doctors or lawyers or other professional men. Yet he followed me around and gave me hate stares. Did he blame me for his problems? I kind of think he did.
Obesity is now blamed for many of society’s ills. Everything from increased health care costs to world hunger to the rising price of gasoline is being blamed on fat people. It is my concern that as this obesity epidemic media hype continues to escalate that fat people will become targets of more and more hostility. Scapegoating is a very dangerous thing.
Thank you for sharing your story Eselle, and good for you for choosing to leave a potentially dangerous situation. How creepy! Usually our initial reaction is the correct one. This man was an especially nasty form of fatphobe, who probably expected to do his organically based shopping without being subjected to fat people. After all, logic dictates that fatties only buy junk food.. That’s why they’re fat, right? How dare you, y’know, ‘exist’ and rain on his parade, the nerve!
Sadly, many people think that shaming or threatening us is a helpful way to eradicate us from the earth, because that’s what they mean when they say they want to ‘stop the obesity epidemic!!’ Obesity means fat people, and it’s so much easier for fatphobics to live peacefully without having to look at our amazing, fleshy bodies doing every day activities.
So, yeah, stiff shit to him, he and all the rest of the fat haters currently sweeping the world’s problems under the ‘obesity’ rug need to take a long, hard look at themselves, get a reality check, and shut the hell up.
Yeah, it happens here in Australia too. I have been stared at, given the old up-and-down look then the inevitable smirk of disgust, and the repeated glancing and tee hee heeing – all of which I would far more prefer than when they come up to me to tell me that if I’d just put back that one single serve Snickers (that is incidentally for my husband and amongst lean meats and what is labelled as organic produce and reduced fat dairy items) I would be able to make my diet work and lose weight and get healthy. Because clearly as a fat person the Snickers is for me and nobody else; as a fat person it is absolutely inconceivable that I could be buying anything for anyone else. And surely, I am in a diet, and if not on a diet I SHOULD be. Also, that if I eat one Snickers a week, it is the sole reason I’m fat, and nobody should consider that I’ve been overweight/obese since I was a sperm, that 90% of my genetic family are overweight/obese, and that I started dieting at 9 (thanks mom for enrolling me in weight watchers, something I neither agreed to nor understood!) and continued to do so for the next 31 years and have consistently gotten fatter.
It has gotten to the point where I try not to leave my house unless absolutely necessary.
Hello fellow Aussie!
Amazing how that one single-serve snickers gives everybody else the insight into your entire life story. Even worse is that if you took the time to explain to them why you are buying it (which you are completely NOT obligated to do), it would automatically be assumed that you were lying.
Also, yuck to the whole weight watchers thing. The only thing that particular ‘lifestyle change’ gives you is a disordered way of looking at food. Starving yourself on a set amount of calories per day (it’s been so long since I dieted, I can’t remember the amount) just teaches your body that it can’t depend on you for sustenance and it goes into self preservation mode by storing fat overtime. With a fail rate of greater than 95%, all that weight, plus more, comes back eventually.
(If anyone reading this is part of the less than 5% success rate, we don’t need to hear from you, thanks. This isn’t a pro-diet space.)
I’m sad that it’s become so bad that you don’t like to leave your house, but I understand the anxiety and that’s what we’re online for! I hope you keep reading and realise you are worth much more than you have been taught to believe.
I agree so wholeheartedly with much of what I’ve read here. Sizeism/fatphobia is absolutely a rampant problem, and one still so openly furthered and suppported by mass media (comedy etc.). I have been varying shapes and sizes of fatness my whole life, regardless of my emotional or mental health or level pf physical activity at the time. I just have a fat body.
I do wonder at some of your choices,though, and instructions for others/newcomers – statements like “If anyone reading this is part of the less than 5% success rate, we don’t need to hear from you, thanks. This isn’t a pro-diet space.” make it sound like you’re only interested in hearing from people who already agree with you, who will further validate your opinions.
And in the 21 Things to Stop Saying Unless You Hate Fat People, this rubbed me the wrong way (given as an example of something people need not to say): ““I’m happy with my body the way it is, but I wouldn’t want to get any bigger.””m because while it;’s 100% true that thin people (or other fat people, for that matter) haven’t the right to dictate to a fat person who or how or what they should be, eat or do, neither does a fat person have the right to dictate to anyone else how they should feel or talk about their own body.
I’ happy to see this even being talked about and fought for, now. For a long time, it didn’t seem like that would ever be the case.
Hi Beth, thank you for your comment. I am happy to hopefully clear up any confusion for you (and others), as perhaps these comments I make aren’t worded clearly. This will be due to already outlining my policies in previous posts and I don’t always want to give the same spiel.
This blog exists to provide a space for fat acceptance that is free from body shaming, snark, pro-dieting/weight loss speeches, health concern trolls, and the overwhelming pressure we are faced with to reduce our bodies in order to be ‘acceptable’ for mainstream society. This means, for example, that any comment that chooses to engage in such diet talk as ‘but if I can do it anybody can!’ or ‘it’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle change!’ will not be tolerated.
As this is my small space, and there is already a whole WORLD that encourages and congratulates these conversations, prohibiting them here is completely my right.
I did NOT mean the people who come here respectfully are not welcome (at all!), and thank you for the opportunity to clarify.
As far as ’21 things to stop saying’s point stands, I do not presume to speak for that blogger. My understanding is that saying comments such as ‘but I wouldn’t want to be bigger’ alludes to the suggestion that being bigger would be just awful, which will inherently make anybody bigger than you feel self conscious and bad about themselves. The whole “I’m ok, but wow, you’re reeeally fat” perpetuates the idea that it is only ok to be a ‘certain type of fat’, and is disrespectful, no matter how gently it’s worded.
I hope this clears things up, and thank you for reading.
Last month was the annual block party in my oh so Leave It To Beaver neighborhood. As per usual, I spent the entire week before the party baking because, like you, I bake to show my love.
So out I come with a layer cake, a double-crusted galette, a malted chocolate tart, and a batch of yummy scones, all baked by my own fair hands and designed to be shared with EVERYONE WHO LIVED ON THE ENTIRE BLOCK, and immediately I start getting people fat shaming me. This didn’t happen the previous two years I’ve brought out this sort of display of my baking talents, incidentally, it was something new.
When one woman felt compelled to tell me that her son never got fat because he stopped eating when he was full, I said right out loud without caring who heard or what they thought of it: “So do I. I’m fat because I come from a long line of very fat people.”
And then I turned and helped myself to a delicious slice of chocolate tart.
I entirely failed to wash it down with a big, cold glass of shame. I had a virgin strawberry margarita instead.
Life is too short to allow nimrods to shame me for my girth… especially when I’m in the middle of generously feeding something like seventy people.
Oh, and at the end of the party, I brought home about one and a half slices of cake, three empty platters, and dozens of compliments on my delicious treats.
That’s what winning looks like to me.
Hi Twistie, I’m so happy to hear from another love baker!
I love this story, and I am so glad you refused to let the nimrods get you down. Bravo to you for coming out and calling people on their presumptious and fatphobic attitudes!
Your cakes sounded delicious and I know how rewarding it is to hear how much they were enjoyed after putting in so much effort. Empty plates are the best compliment!
So, whoop-dee-do for that lady and her son who have the monopoly on life and believe that it comes with the ‘answer’ us fatties have been waiting for. I’d rather have the cake.
I have one. I was in the grocery store and there was a woman with 3 kids, a toddler in the shopping cart, one about 8yo and another older child. I saw them in several aisles, the 8yo and toddler pitching fits and the 8yo being extremely disruptive. The mother did nothing to curtail the behavior. I have a toddler myself, so I didn’t say anything. Tantrums and cranky kids can happen to anyone.
So I’m minding my own business when the 8yo shouts to me, ‘Damn! That’s a big bitch!” Of course he mother is nowhere to be seen at that point. With as much calmness as I can muster (as I was livid), I opted to school this child. “Everyone’s different. People come in all shapes and sizes. Now why don’t you find your mom, I’m sure she’s looking for you.” (I was sure she wasn’t.)
Cut to the checkout lane where I’m bagging my items and guess who’s in the next checkout. Yep, the same family. Kids screaming, mother yelling at them to stop it and shut up. And I see that their whole cart it jugs of Hi-C and Kid Cuisines and the like. Not a vegetable to be seen. I’m not judging, but I find it interesting. Now they were clearly not overweight, but damn if those kids weren’t bouncing off the walls and disrespectful. And with all the artificial food juice (why don’t people just drink real fruit juices?), it’s no wonder. Bottom line, it just show that what you eat and what you weigh are not always in sync. And no one bats an eye when non-fatties buy crap.
But shit, it’s October. Everyone’s buying candy. I would have told that woman off. You’re a better woman than I.
Hi Becca, thank you for sharing your story!
While I don’t believe in judging others for the food they choose to buy (because hello stones and glass houses!), you’ve touched on a very real double standard that exists between thin and fat people. Their privilege to be able to buy all the crap they want, and eat it (in public too!) without any negative comments or public intervention!
I’m sorry you were harassed while going about your day, but your reply was fantastic!
My story has to do with exactly this – the double standard between what fat people and thin people are ‘allowed’ to buy. I was in the checkout line once, minding my own business, when I realized that the two women in the next aisle over were talking about Fat Ol’ Me and the amount of junk (a hell of a lot!) I had in my trolley. I looked over at them and couldn’t stop myself laughing out loud; these two thin women were buying wine, sugar-laden kiddy cereals and cigarettes. But that was somehow healthier than what I was buying… presumably because they weighed less.
It’s crazy, isn’t it? A thin person and a fat person can both buy a box of the exact same sugary kids cereal, and only the fat person will receive a second and disapproving glance. Because clearly that box is the reason you’re fat! Nevermind the thin person that eats the same cereal, they must be magic!
Judgemental people who have nothing better to do but fall over each other laughing about your groceries and pondering your existence obviously lead very small lives. ‘WHY’ fat people are fat is irrelevant, and what you buy is nobody else’s business.
I love this post. I have to confess that here in Maine & do pretty well while out shopping. There are plenty of other fatties around here & plenty of others who are on tight budgets & most of us seem to be in the store to…surprise!…shop for what we need rather than monitor what others are buying. I am all about living your own life, owning your own body, & being able to know what you need to buy, eat, whatever. If anyone did dare to pass judgment on my purchases & especially if anyone dared to actually wave a finger in my face, I am afraid that he or she just might be pulling back a stub!
Thanks Patsy, and remind me I need to move to Maine! I’m glad to know that you live in an area that more or less knows how to mind it’s own business!
I love and fully agree with what you’re all about. We are completely in charge of making our own choices, and being fat should not mean that our choices become subject to ridicule.
Hey, Patsy, I live in Maine too and we don’t have similar experiences I guess! I read FA sites because I get the fat shame from my family and it’s hard to deal with, even though I tend to get less fat hate from most of the wider society because I’m an “in-betweenie”. But I don’t get a pass at my doctor’s office where I went in for X-rays after I was having foot pain. He looked at my chart and he looked at me (from across the room) and said it was natural for me to be having some foot pain considering the amount of strain on my joints from my weight (I’m 5’4″ and probably 195-210 lb depending on the day). I had *fallen down the stairs* and had a *broken bone*. If I hadn’t pressed him, he’d have let it go at that and not even examined me. Ugh.
I know medical fat-shame is a different category, but I just can’t stop telling that story, I get so MAD when I think about it!
(Heh, the only time anyone’s commented on the contents of my shopping cart was when I went through the checkout with the following: Giant bag of Hershey’s Treasures, Bottle of Wine, Bridal Magazine, Condoms. And it wasn’t fat related. But it *was* funny.)