I haven’t written for quite a while and I want to send out a big apology to any regular readers out there that may have been wondering where I’ve gotten to. Let me start by saying I have absolutely not walked away! I’m still here, starting posts that lose focus and end up never quite making it to being published.
So, I have decided that instead of dwelling internally on the issues that prevent me from finding the emotional strength to write and be positive, I will express my thoughts in a letter to myself and leave it right here as a reminder that sometimes shit happens and we do what we can to endure.
*Please note: today’s post may not be for everybody. Today, I write for me.*
Every time I look in the mirror, I see your fear. You had (up until a couple of months ago) a relatively comfortable life and felt secure in your relationship with your partner. It was never perfect, but you had your rock, your safe place. You drew your strength and ability to be fat and fabulous from within the comfy confines of that relationship, and it ended.
You were unceremoniously kicked out of your home and three days later faced your first Christmas homeless. Alone, uncertain, and so afraid because without any sense of security and stability in your life you become a tightly wound ball of anxiety and lose your ability to cope.
You know what? You’re stronger than this.
Yes, you’re nearing 30 and have to start your life over. Rather than be overcome by your fear, I wish you’d gather the courage I know you have in there and go rock the shit out of the situation! Please! It’s not always supposed to be so serious.
You get to date again! Flirting, awkward moments, first kisses, SEX! All the things you forgot about while comfortably stagnant in a dodgy relationship.
Stop feeling afraid to get out there because you’re fat. I know this seems hard, because the last time you did this dating thing you weren’t the awesome rockin’ fatty you have worked so hard to become. I’ve heard that nagging little insecure voice trying to work it’s way in and tell you nobody will ever want you. Don’t you accept this voice’s bullshit! It’s a lifetime worth of fat stigma and ingrained self-loathing trying desperately to drag you back down and it’s wrong. You believed it once, don’t you dare believe it again! You know better. You have learned to love your body, why do you start second guessing yourself now?
You are fat, yes, AND also strong, brave, beautiful, deserving of affection, and worth loving.
I don’t know what the world has in store for you, It may be exciting, it may be scary. There may be romance, or passion, there may even be love, but don’t rely on these relationships to provide your strength and self confidence. You have that strength inside you. I see it behind the fear, waiting patiently for you to pick yourself up and move on, and the time has come.
You know that the only relationship that defines your self worth is the relationship you have with yourself. When you look in that mirror and feel the uncertainty creeping back in, don’t forget that I love you.